Fresh water.

on August 6, 2008 in Nash-livin', Ze Bloggy Goodness with 9 comments by

My friend Marie and I just got to iChat- talking for a while about everything and nothing. Seeing her face. Talking with the illusion that I’m not 300 miles farther away than the last time I saw her face. It was fresh water to a thirsty little heart.

I know it’s only been four days, but for an extrovert who gains momentum, strength, and life from her people, apparently it doesn’t take long to feel the affects of not having “people”. The dryness. The empty.

Mom and I talked on the phone. Molly and I talked for a while. Nan texted. Jenn called. Many emailed. Sweet Katie B sent me a card in the MAIL. I even had 2 Nashville friends make plans for next week. With me, obviously. 🙂 And yesterday I got to babysit Bennett for Kevin and Mandy. All long drinks of the fresh water that I need to be me.

Amy Beth shared some good water with me. The living kind. Hebrews 11: 8-9, 10, 13-16

I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed it. I don’t expect to dry up this quickly. But after just a few minutes of talking with Marie, and multi-readings of Hebrews 11, I felt stiff things in me break apart. Like the softness returning to a rigid sponge when it’s held under a running faucet.

It’s to be expected. I know that. I know that at some point in the future, Nashville will refresh me. Somebody (or somebodies) here will get me. They will join the vagabond group that are my people. And I will feel like me here. Right now, I don’t. I mean, hilarious stuff happens here and I’m happy, but at the core, in my knower, I’m not brave enough to be me. In fact, I was scared to email a mutual friend tonight to see if she wanted to meet for lunch next week because I was worried that I wasn’t cute enough.

Not cute enough? It’s been around 10 years since that thought stopped me from doing anything. In fact, I’m pretty confident of my cute factor. In Georgia, at least.

But the vibrancy that flowers gain from sun and water is the vibrancy I lack today. The confidence that God worked long and hard to build in me is hiding behind some wall that says Annie and Nashville aren’t a good fit.

I get to go home tomorrow. Thank God for people wanting to get hitched. And wanting me there to see it. And I’m going to drink it in. I’m going to sit back and laugh at stories that have happened since I left…. all of a week ago. I’m going hug the babies that I love and smell them deep. I’m going to sit on the couch real close to my dad. I’m going to appreciate every second that I spend with a family member or friend who has lived real life with me- and chooses me anyways.

I’m going to wish I got to stay there. That this was just some weird dream, like in It’s A Wonderful Life, where I look to the sky and scream something along the lines of “I realize how great I had it. Can I have it back now?”

But on Saturday night I will point north again. And probably weep my way over the Georgia/Tennessee border. Which is honestly counter productive to release that much water. But I’m weeping now as I write because I feel that loss already. The loss the comes after the gain of a weekend I have yet to live.

I don’t have a great closer. It should be something about how fresh water is all around or something of that nature, some great takeaway for you, the reader, that points you to God and makes you give me a blog-pat on the back for being so spiritual.

This is all I’ve got- I’m heartbroken and I miss my life at home so badly it physically hurts. But somehow, God will be enough for me. I don’t know what that will look like or feel like. I have no idea how. I truly don’t. But His promises are sure, even when my heart is so sad and my keyboard soaked.

9 comments

  1. posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 12:47 AM  |  reply

    Hey sweet friend –

    One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is that growth is never, ever comfortable. Sometimes it even flat-out hurts. But it’s always good. Always.

  2. candace
    posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 6:20 AM  |  reply

    Remember? There are 2 things we know we have for SURE…seems like you’ve got one of them down and you forgot about the other. You can’t have one without the other…it would hurt too bad. That is why they come together.

  3. Southern Gal
    posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 7:37 AM  |  reply

    Annie,

    We have a Bible study group at our church onWednesday nights. Guess what we were on last night? Hebrews 11. We were to consider as we read the chapter the great risks people took because of their faith in God. We focused on verse 6 for a while:

    But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

    Even after Abraham and Sarah laughed at God’s promise of a child, God still blessed them and kept His promise because He is faithful and they believed.

    I guess I’m just trying to encourage you to keep the faith…He is a rewarder of those who SEEK Him. He’s in Nashville. He has great plans for you there. Just keep believing.

    Hmmm. Maybe I should have made this into an email instead of a comment. Too late. It’s all typed out and I’m hitting submit now.

    Renee

  4. posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 9:27 AM  |  reply

    you are doing sooo well!

  5. Amy Rakes
    posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 9:27 AM  |  reply

    Oh, Annie, I’m praying hard for you. I know that feeling. I remember that feeling that reached all the way to my bones when I moved TO Atlanta. But, you were there. You didn’t even know I was having a bad time and you called out of the blue and we went shopping. Remember that sunflower painted window picture thingy we bought? Anyway, I’m praying that someone who loves you calls you out of the blue and takes you out today.

  6. posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 12:58 PM  |  reply

    I used to tell my mom (with tears) each time I went home to Georgia that I liked going home because I felt beautiful there. Here, in Florida, I wasn’t sure who I felt like, but I didn’t like it. Now, shhh, don’t tell my mom, but here is where I feel the most like myself, my favorite self. Hang in there, Annie. Before you know it, Nashville will be the home you never knew you always wanted.

  7. posted on Aug 07, 2008 at 8:54 PM  |  reply

    Don’t let a week get you down. Before you know it, you’ll be providing the fresh water to those around you. No telling how many people could use it. Like Ron.

    Just please don’t get that leopard print key wet … that’s your key to babydom.

  8. posted on Aug 10, 2008 at 2:40 PM  |  reply

    It is so hard to move away but makes coming home so sweet! You are going to grow so incredibly much in Nashville. I ugly cried on the plane to Boston so many times and now I have days that I am homesick for it. Who knew?! I am so proud of you for moving! You will make some of the best friends of your life which is hard to imagine bc you have some pretty amazing friends already. You are strong and cute:)

  9. posted on Oct 19, 2011 at 1:30 AM  |  reply

    going home to me is where ever our children are and i like nothing better then to be with all of them in one place..doesn’t matter the place, just the all together. I take to bed for three days when we all part till God say get out of that bed I have more for you to do…But he is so gracious to allow me those three days always..
    what a joy it would be to meet you face to face some day…

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