This is my least favorite month of the year. It’s just too hot. 31 days of hot. And it’s not “lazy days of summer” hot, it’s “get dressed for school and then take kids out to recess and smell them all day” hot. Ewww.
I’ve owed you a good blog for a while. I’m afraid, once this one is complete, I will still owe you a good blog. My apologies.
I miss Scotland. A lot. I miss the climate, I miss the camaraderie of our team, I miss the focus, I miss the people of Scotland, I miss being on the wrong side of the road, I miss ASDA (it’s like WalMart, but cleaner and more fashion-savvy), I miss Harry making tea because that stuff was good.
I miss the simplicity. Life here isn’t simple. Too many balls to juggle. I can’t do it. Strike that- I can’t do it WELL. Not today at least. Not since I’ve been home at least. Something about knowing simplicity is out there makes busyness more difficult to handle. Right? I need to find….. WANT to find that simple life in Georgia.
I promised you an update and here it is- I got my rejection letter from the children’s publishing house today. (As if I didn’t hate August enough already!) I don’t have the right words to say after that. I know in my mind all the truth- that God knows what He is doing, that I can’t see the whole picture, that I have no idea what is going on in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn’t get me what I want. Whah. (presently pitching a baby fit) But as Haley said, “Facts may be sucky, but they are still true”. Yeah yeah. Tell me that tomorrow.
It’s not that I’m terribly upset about the rejection itself. It’s dealing with my heart and God and what happens between us now. It’s exactly what I told you before about believing God and praying big– when things work out different than you want, there are no excuses. No “I didn’t pray enough” or “I didn’t care that much” or “I didn’t think God would do that anyways, so it’s okay”. It’s not okay. I thought God would do it. I believed Him.
So not only is Scotland more simple, it hurts less too. Less disappointment.
And anyone who knows me knows it is bigger than this letter. You know.
But hear me out- God is HOLY. That means He is “other”- He thinks totally different than we do and His plans and ways are FAR higher than our’s. Mine. He is all loving so all He does is out of love. For me. He answers prayer. He loves to. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). I still trust Him, even in my disappointment and hurt. It doesn’t change who He is or how He works.
And as the evening has gone on, and the sharp memory of seeing the envelope in the mailbox fades, I cling tighter to the truths of what I DO know of God and not what I don’t know.
This phrase has been running through my mind for a couple of days- weeks even, kindly whispered by God, for such a time as this. Knowing, before I did, what it would mean today.
“…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.”
WORK OUT YOUR SALVATION. Work it out. Things aren’t always going to be easy. Things won’t always go my way. I won’t always, or even OFTEN, understand what God is doing. But I’m not giving up. I’m working it out. I working out this life with God, this life of praying big, this life that is abundant but so different than what I pictured for myself at 27. And this is hard. I have to deal with stuff, the good and bad, and not just ignore it or accept it.
Working it out. A brave face. A disappointed heart. A healing soul.