I’m having a hard time blogging today. I’ve got a list about 15 items long to blog about, so it’s not that I’m short a topic, it’s just that I have other things I want to say. I’ve written two separate blogs and deleted them completely. I feel like everything that is coming out right now would make you say one of these things:
1) “TMI.” [too much information] Stuff you really don’t need to know and might question were I to make the thoughts public.
2) “Seriously? That’s what Annie is thinking right now? Oh.” (And say “Oh” in a mildly disgusted way, like “I thought she was a better/ kinder/ more stable person than that.”) And I would hate to put you in an awkward situation like that.
3) “She boring. Next blog.” And that would make me feel bad.
Maybe it would be better to list some questions I have in my mind:
a.) How much longer will I be teaching?
b.) Am I being more wasteful than I realize?
c.) Am I not meeting anyone because of something I’m doing wrong?
d.) Is Marietta where I want to live forever?
[sub question: Is it time to move again?]e.) Why have so many burrito places cropped up everywhere?
f.) How could I be using my time more wisely?
g.) How do I decide when to say “no” to and when to say “yes”?
h.) What kind of writing do I want to do?
[sub question: Am I wasting my time? Is this a God thing or Annie thing?]i.) Do I really enjoy owning a house?
j.) How did the Falcons manage to beat the Panthers?
k.) Is there something else I should be doing with my life?
PLEASE don’t get me wrong. I’m not unhappy. Not in the least. It’s just that I’m restless. I’m itching for change. Which is the definition of hilarious in my life because I HATE change. And I don’t know where this restlessness has come from- it snuck up on me.
I felt something new at church this morning. I’ve really been praying and seeking God in my own heart and time about understanding Him. About believing truth about Him. Believing that, even with a-k questions, plus more, He is good and everything He does is good. And in cell group we discussed the joy of the Lord. And how when things go wrong, you can tell who has that TRULY in their hearts. I found myself praying, “God, put that in me NOW and grow it in me NOW so that next time things go awry, I’ll still be joy.”
And at church, for the first time in a long time, I thought, “All of God is good. I have nothing to complain about.” (And it wasn’t a thought I was making myself think. Know what I mean? It was just what ran across the marquee of my mind. ) Not that I’m much of an outward complainer [I hope], but inwardly, don’t even get me started. But there was this peace today, to worship without any questions.
Worship without any questions.
Because worship has nothing to do with my lists. It’s not about happy or unhappy. It’s about knowing that He can answer all those questions, and more, even the one about burrito places. It’s about believing that his answers are the best solution. Knowing that His goodness is His calling card and His kindness towards me is the permanent marking I want everyone to see. It’s about looking towards Him in amazement, not disappointment. No matter what.
So maybe I’m just a bit restless.
What is God doing with me? Why are all these random things coagulating in my mind?
I have a feeling it has to do with this:
I’m in process.