They just don’t.

I left school today at 3:45pm and headed to Dang Nails. Yes, that’s the name. And we local yokels totally love Dang Nails.

Operation Improvement began at 4:15pm.

55 minutes of staring at Steve [which I’m pretty sure is not the name given to him by his mother in the Philippines]. Steve was in charge of improving my hands. Fake nails. Nice manicure. Because while you may not particularly care what my hands look like, they were sicking me out. I have what professionals call a “recurring bad habit”.

And I bite my nails.

Bah-dum! Ching!

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Sigh. I crack myself up.

Back to the story of how boys have no idea what it takes to look this good.

The next 45 or so minutes was spent on the lower quadrant- the toes. Pedicure, including a sanding and a fresh coat of paint.

Then the real joy.

HOT WAX. PLACED ON FACE. RIPPED OFF.

Nothing hurts like that. I’ve never had a baby, so I can’t compare. But I can say that I have felt no other pain LIKE the pain of having the mini-hairs above your eyes heated and then yanked out one by one. In fact, this one time, the girl got wax on my EYELASHES and I seriously almost lost them all in what would have become Lash Wax Massacre 06.

No matter how many times you get it done, it never gets easier. Especially above the lip, though I would have NO IDEA about that… I have only heard of mustachioed women.

Today, she was in a race to wax. It was speedy. Unfortunately, she took a little too much off the top. And the bottom. Too much tweezing. Way too much tweezing.

And because I have zero shame and because there really is no way of making this post complete without photos, I present before and after.

Before on the left- notice eye slice. This was last week. I was apparently making a seriously frowny face. With just cause. I had a cut on my eyeball.

After on the right- about 3 1/2 minutes ago.

So I now have two too skinny eyebrows, beautiful toenails and fingernails that can not be bitten to shreds.

And I left at 6:18pm.

Two full hours and some serious dollars later, Operation Improvement was a success. Yes, there was a slight mishap involving tweezers, but overall, well done.

What can I say? I am just a natural beauty….. 🙂