The bend before the break.

on April 6, 2010 in Ze Bloggy Goodness with 21 comments by

I’m watching people I love bend.

And I can see, in the not-too-distant future, the break.

The break isn’t always bad. It just seems that sometimes pressure builds up around a situation and in the days before the resolution, it’s high intensity.

I sat on my couch with one of my dearest friends a few weeks ago. My doorbell rang, I was all pajama-ed out, but I answered. Tears streaming down her face, I stepped aside as she crossed to my couch and began to weep.

For hours.

No talking. No explanation. Just one hand holding mine, the other covering her eyes.

And three days later, she told everyone that she was moving to New York to pursue her acting career.

It wasn’t sadness. It was a deep bend. It was the highest point of tension. She knew what she had to do, but the anticipation of actually making the change, telling her people, and giving up the safety of our beautiful little world, was too much.

It is that moment when you have to decide what God is saying, what obedience looks like, and to what level you are willing to obey.

I listened to another friend today, struggling. Deeply struggling. He wears sadness like a trench coat. And his eyes have stopped dancing. But in his story, I see the bend. I see that the breaking is coming. Nothing lasts forever and I’m sensing, by the depth of the hurt in his voice, that he really can’t bend much more. God will come. And the break will be a relief. A true break.

What is that they say? It is darkest right before the dawn? I’ve never been one for all-nighters or early mornings, so I don’t know if that is true. But I think it must be.

And then there’s me. I see the place in my heart that is bending. The tension feels high. The emotions [hi, my name is Annie and I am never-no-not-ever short on emotions] are running high. The unknown of the break is looming.

I fear it. I can see it in her move to New York, I can see it in his sadness, and I am full of hope for them both. But this bend in my life is terrifying. The break is soon, I just don’t know what it will look like.

My journal is full of the bend. The ears of my friends are full of bend talk. But none of it compares to what the Lord has had to deal with- I like to talk things out and bless His heart, He can’t get away from me.

But there is something really safe and Him being the Bender, the Breaker, and the One who loves me through it.

*FYI- some details about my friends have been changed. Because, well, they are my friends.*

21 comments

  1. posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 5:59 AM  |  reply

    What beautiful words that spoke to me this a.m. Blessings to you!!

  2. posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 6:44 AM  |  reply

    Thanks for this, Annie. I’ve been thinking of the bending lately. I don’t know why, but obviously the Lord does.

  3. Katie White
    posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 7:15 AM  |  reply

    So good Annie. I read all the time but haven’t commented in a while (sorry!). “the bend is terrifying”, so what I’ve been feeling lately. More on our changes soon.

  4. posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 7:41 AM  |  reply

    Oh, this post resonates so much with me, and its beauty brought tears to my eyes.

  5. Heidi S
    posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 9:06 AM  |  reply

    Annie, you are SUCH a gifted writer!! And through your writing you express such a beautiful, beautiful heart. Sometimes I wish I lived in, or close by, Nashville just so I could meet you! 🙂

    (So Cal is not exactly close 😉

    I will be praying for you as God continues to stir in your heart and as you wait upon “the break.”
    I definitely can relate. It is a scary/hopeful/exciting/frustrating place.

    God bless you!

  6. 79Leslie
    posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 9:41 AM  |  reply

    As someone that has been in “the bend” for what seems like forever, thank you for reminding me that there will be a time when the break happens. And once I am fully broken, God can start the process of putting me back together again, even better and stronger than before.

  7. Kameron
    posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 1:30 PM  |  reply

    Hey Annie. I found you through (in)courage after being repeatedly blessed by your posts. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks. Your post today was … dead on. What a perfect, beautiful way to put it. I’m not gifted with words as you are, but you so eloquently verbalized the feeling of the Potter molding us into the shape that will glorify Him. He loves us that much.

  8. posted on Apr 06, 2010 at 4:36 PM  |  reply

    Annie, I needed to read this today, so much more than you may ever know… the bend is where I am at. I know what the break is and that it is good. It’s reaching the break that is the hard part. God Bless you and your friends.

  9. posted on Apr 07, 2010 at 1:40 AM  |  reply

    Oh wow. Bending, breaking… Yep. That’s my life right now. And yes, it’s terrifying. Not the break so much, but staying in this hard, uncomfortable, painful bending stage that seems unending. Yeah, terrifying.

  10. posted on Apr 07, 2010 at 1:31 PM  |  reply

    […] – Finally, here are two posts I’ve loved this week: one by Jon, and one by Annie. […]

  11. posted on Apr 07, 2010 at 2:12 PM  |  reply

    Thanks for this. I’ve never really thought about life and its changes in the terms of bending and breaking, but it makes complete sense. I suppose I’m in a bend as well, waiting to see what God has in store for me and my life…the bend is tough and scary, and like you wrote, what the break looks like remains to be seen. In the mean time, I guess you just have to live in the moment and not take anything for granted.

    Have a great day! :o)

  12. posted on Apr 07, 2010 at 3:36 PM  |  reply

    Totally cheesy but I am going through some stuff and your post was quite appropriate to my state of being right now. I’m fighting the break but I am in actuality going to be so relieved once it hits. Have to keep reminding myself that yet again, God knows best.

  13. posted on Apr 07, 2010 at 8:29 PM  |  reply

    I feel like I’ve been in a bend for way to long. But maybe that’s because I only flirt with fully letting go? I don’t know. All I know is, I’m terrified too.

  14. posted on Apr 07, 2010 at 8:39 PM  |  reply

    Wow, can I every relate to this. I think I’m on the bend. Or maybe I’m breaking. Anyway, I’m close either way.

    thanks for sharing it, it was very encouraging. 🙂

  15. posted on Apr 08, 2010 at 2:06 AM  |  reply

    […] The Bend Before The Break–from Annie’s heart. If you read one post all week, let it be this one. Because I’ve cried–actual tears, people–twice now, reading this post. And I’m not even thinking about myself when I take it in. So go, read it. […]

  16. posted on Apr 08, 2010 at 6:43 AM  |  reply

    beautiful post, Annie

  17. posted on Apr 08, 2010 at 10:10 AM  |  reply

    Oh yes. We watch each other bend and we sit in it with each other and it’s so good. It’s passing the cup, it’s redemptive, it’s true church in its most honest form. I know that angst of the bending, the standing on the edge and preparing to leap while your heart races. When we do it together, we’re doing what we’re here for, me thinks. Beautiful post!

  18. posted on Apr 08, 2010 at 10:13 AM  |  reply

    Gosh Annie….

    What a great visual for “stuff” that pushes us to the breaking point!
    I’ve been bending more than usual myself in the last 2 years. It can be difficult to withstand!

    Sweet words, thank you!

  19. posted on Apr 08, 2010 at 11:17 AM  |  reply

    i landed on this post from Ashleigh Baker’s blog (Heart and Home)

    this is an absolutely magnificent post…as i read it i thought of so many of my friends struggling… my hubby…so poignant

  20. posted on Apr 08, 2010 at 12:48 PM  |  reply

    Never been to your blog before. But boy am I sure glad God prompted me. 🙂 How relevant for my own life and I’ve been getting similar messages from various other places as well. I think Someone might be trying to tell me something. I pray “shalom” for you.

  21. posted on Apr 11, 2010 at 5:42 PM  |  reply

    Achingly true. The bend indeed. I hold my breath before the break… Thank you so much for sharing this.

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