When I was in New York, I walked. A lot.
And I absolutely slaughtered the battery on my iPhone, whom you know goes by the name Anita. [She’s cute. I like her a lot.]
I really enjoyed the soundtrack idea. Like, as I walked, the songs that played felt like my daily soundtrack. [I always wanted my life to be a television show. Sue me.] And because I’m a few shades of crazy, I have weird personal rules about how much music I keep on my phone [not a lot] and a few albums dominated my trip.
And Ben Rector was on high high rotation.
I remember standing in Grand Central Station on Friday morning. I was sad the NanoMBA was over, scared of what was next, sorry to end my time as a public transportation commuter. People buzzed around me and I just stopped. I wanted to breathe the moment- take a snapshot in my mind. And Ben sang in my ears,
“This isn’t easy.
This isn’t clear.
And you don’t need Jesus til you’re here.“
And I’ve thought about those lines a lot in the last few weeks. As I’ve come back from New York and embarked on some new things at Mocha Club, had some good days and some worst ever days, I’ve worried and I’ve celebrated. It’s been a wonderful and horrible month.
I walked around my neighborhood and through Hillsboro Village last week, mainly just to get in touch with Commuter Annie. I like her a lot and I wanted to know that she still lived in me- the girl who walks around, music playing, with purpose but not with worry. She was focused in New York, I feel scattered in Nashville. She was quietly confident in New York, I feel tired in Nashville. She was someone I want to be and I feel like someone I don’t like.
Ben came into my ears and I was grateful for the reminder. For that moment, on the corner of Hillsboro and Fairfax, to remember that moment at Track 36 when it didn’t feel easy or clear.
Because here, in Nashville, it still isn’t easy and it still isn’t clear.
I thought I really needed Jesus there in Grand Central.
But the truth is I need Him more today.