I can’t help but be amazed by the trees this time of the year.

Distracting almost, aren’t they?

The vibrant colors. The way the sun shines through the leaves. The darkening of the bark. It is absolutely beautiful.

And yet, is it weird that we are marveling at the end of the cycle, the death of all that tree has been for the last nine months? The tree isn’t this lovely year round, only when it is dying.

We all know how the story goes. I’m not going to go on and on about how in winter the trees will be bare it will feel like the world will never be green and alive again but on the inside, little children, life is still growing! And suddenly the trees bloom and we celebrate resurrection and we all know God better.

I know we all know it.

But for today, there is just something so borderline psychotic about Autumn. I mean, we all stand around and revel in the beauty of the leaves losing their life.

I’m not turning into a tree hugger here. I’m just beginning to question why I fear small personal emotional deaths yet I beg Fall to never end. I don’t mind watching the beauty of something else dying, but I’m unwilling to call my own death beautiful.

Not my physical death. At time of writing, I am very much alive and very much behind on some writing deadlines. But I’m talking about when my heart feels like parts are dying. Or when my dreams turn such a vibrant shade of orange that I know the best thing to do is let them fall off my tree. Because they are dying. But I don’t want to. And the process certainly isn’t pretty.

[By the way, this is absolutely the color of the trees and sky as my iPhone captured it yesterday. Weirdy McCrazycolor, huh?]

As I was walking to small group last night, I was overcome with the ridiculous amounts of fear I hold in my heart, especially towards deaths in my own life. I never stand back and gasp and say, “oh, look everyone! How gorgeous is THIS?” and then watch as parts of me die, or plans die, or expectations die.

Instead I scurry through the Annie tree, using any type of tape I can find to secure the leaves to the branches because PLEASE DON’T LET MY DREAMS/PLANS/HOPES DIE. I don’t like change when it involves MY leaves.

I don’t have a cute burnt orange bow to tie on this post. It’s not so much a problem with a solution as it is a pure observation.

Today is my sister’s 29th birthday. She is awesome. She lives in Hawaii so she can’t see any leaves change. Enjoy these pictures, Tatum. It really is so so beautiful right now. Love you.