They don’t know.

on January 27, 2011 in Scotland with 13 comments by

The team of Scots that I am working with here is stellar. I didn’t know any of them before arriving, I only know the Americans that lead the ministry team.

So.

The Scots? They. Are. Awesome. I am super-dee-dooper enjoying getting to know them, spending time with them, and building friendships. It’s kinda my way- every personality test I take always returns a screaming result of PEOPLE PERSON! EXTROVERT! TALKS A LOT! LIKES HER PEOPLE! So building friendships and getting to know these people is very energizing to me.

[And just for your own personal knowledge, I’d like to share that while I can not speak in a very good Scottish accent, I am constantly thinking in a Scottish accent. It’s weird to have this Scottish girl living inside my head. Very weird. I guess I’m bilingual.]

One of my besties Annie taught me a valuable lesson- a key ingredient in friendship is TIME- there is no replacement for hours clocked. And I don’t have that with these Scottish friends [yet].

The entire team has taken the strength finder test and a couple is here training us on our strengths. On Tuesday night we sat around discussing our top strength. Jon, the trainer dude, would say, “Jack’s top strength is achiever. Do you guys see that in him?” and stories would pour out and heads would nod.

Then it was my turn. [Mine is positivity. I don’t care whether the glass is half full or half empty, I’m just excited about the glass!] Jon said, “Who sees that in Annie?”

and….. crickets.

Not a peep.

They don’t know me.

They don’t know what makes me laugh or what I wear in the summer or that I drink orange juice with every meal. [One of the guys on the team had it with dinner and I swooned. Sue me.] We haven’t lived many stories together for them to tell. The time factor isn’t a factor here yet.

NONE of this is their fault. Please hear me out. I could not be enjoying these new friendships anymore than I am. I am in hog heaven. I could tell you 10 things I REALLY like about each team member.

But in that moment, when the Scottish crickets were chirping and silence filled my ears, lungs, and heart, I was just reminded of what they don’t know.

When they left, I cried. In a big puddle of sadness and homesickness and “I already went through this with Nashville I don’t think I can do it again” and missing my friends and family and I just kept crying.

I cried as I snuggled into bed and I woke up with tears running down my face before my eyes were even open.

Because, I think for all of us, being known is a big deal. And for me, especially when there is a chance that this could someday be my community, that one moment was heartbreaking.

So I took Wednesday and watched DVDs of Downton Abbey [you must watch- on PBS- do it.] and didn’t pray or read the Bible or think about anything serious.

The tears needed some space and my heart needed a rest.

I guess I tell you this simply to say that even the awesome things can be scary and the scary things can be awesome. Even the brave moments can be outlined in sadness and sad moments can be outlined with courage.

In fact, just telling you about it gives me more courage.

So thanks for listening.

This team is gonna know me. They just don’t know me yet. 🙂

13 comments

  1. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 7:03 AM  |  reply

    “This team is gonna know me. They just don’t know me yet.” Yes, Annie. Praying for you and your bilingual self.

  2. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 7:49 AM  |  reply

    They will learn to drink deeply of your energy and enthusiasm, become intoxicated, get addicted, and learn about withdrawals when you’re not around.

  3. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 9:32 AM  |  reply

    Awesome post..”brave moments can be outlined in sadness and sad moments can be outlined with courage.” I’m carrying your words with me today. Thank you!

    They are so fortunate to have this opportunity to know you!

  4. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 9:36 AM  |  reply

    1 – Downton Abby? Full of the win.

    2 – One of the eleventy zillion things I learned last summer on my scary awesome adventure, is that when you are with new people in a defined period of time, it’s easy to skip the little stuff and go straight to talking about the hard stuff. I have friends who will be in my heart and life forever and while I don’t know what their favorite food or color or season is (yet), I know the big stuff – it’s crazy and weird and still works.

    3 – One of my dear friends and 2nd mom and I were talking about life mottoes this week and she said her’s is something about not being afraid to live right on the edge sometimes. And that, my friend, is what you’re doing right now. You’re in my thoughts and prayers!

  5. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 9:59 AM  |  reply

    i’m so glad you share these moments, annie. i moved a year ago and the last 12 months have been filled with tears and heartache. it’s like you capture my feelings with words, and it makes me feel a whole lot better about being unknown. and yet at the same time i’m again convicted that i have to keep putting myself out there because time is really my only handicap. your bravery is inspiring (:

  6. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 12:38 PM  |  reply

    Beautiful post! I’ve been visiting your blog this week and it’s official: I’m a fan!

    I can identify with you. I became quite famous last year during my reign as Miss Deaf South Africa, and I’ve come to realize more and more that the public doesn’t really know ‘me’, they only see the public persona (is that the right word?? is it even a word?).

    My heart almost broke when I read that ‘This team is gonna know me. They just don’t know me yet.’ Thank you for inspiring me!

  7. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 1:49 PM  |  reply

    Yes and yes.

    Stepping out to create the relationships takes time and is scary and the stepping out makes you vulnerable. Oh, but isn’t the scary, the step made in faith, the unknown, isn’t it those times when God whispers, I know you! In fact I know all of you. The ugly parts too…And I LOVE you enough to DIE for you.

    Praying while the time ticks, as you develop those time won relationships, the knowing that only time can bring, that God is more real to you. That He is there with you and that you can continue to see that cup – that wonderful, glorious cup – knowing that they will know you…

  8. jennifer
    posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 2:18 PM  |  reply

    boy, are they in for a sweet surprise…take it from those of us posting…they are going to bubble over soon with the things they know about you. i love the dicovery of new friendship…is this a new forever friend? is this the person who will always make me laugh? is this the person whose wisdom is so meaningful in my life? is this the person who just makes my heart happy? oh the possibilities, annie. praying for what lies ahead sweet one. I can only imagine that it will be divine

    love and hugs

  9. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 8:08 PM  |  reply

    I’m new. And not usually a commenter, but this quote:

    “I guess I tell you this simply to say that even the awesome things can be scary and the scary things can be awesome. Even the brave moments can be outlined in sadness and sad moments can be outlined with courage.”

    Fabulous. You will be quoted in my journal.

  10. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 9:29 PM  |  reply

    Hi Annie,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart. It is hard to be in a new place with new people. I’ve been there and am {afraid} God is going to be taking me down that path again soon. Praying for those doors to open for you and peace to reign in.

  11. posted on Jan 27, 2011 at 10:24 PM  |  reply

    Yeah Annie!

    I’m so glad for you!!!

  12. posted on Jan 28, 2011 at 12:50 AM  |  reply

    This definitely resonates with me, Annie. It sounds like God is building and doing some great things in and for you in Scotland. Those in-between moments can be so tough, whether it’s beginning new relationships or waiting for whatever it might be. I’m excited to see where your adventure is going to take you.

  13. mary mcneil
    posted on Jan 30, 2011 at 7:55 AM  |  reply

    I’m so glad you are here….sometimes us Scots can be awfully reserved and we need people like you to show us how to live from the heart. I can imagine it’s a lonely place right now but I know God is really going to use you here.x

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