Halfway done, yet just beginning.

on February 2, 2011 in Scotland with 11 comments by

I’m having a hard time blogging serious things while I’m here in Scotland.

It’s not that I don’t want to.

It’s just that I already struggle naturally with knowing what to outwardly process and what to ponder in my heart [Luke 2:19], and when I am sitting alone in my room outside of Edinburgh, Scotland, writing my heart’s thoughts, sometimes I can forget that this is a public record. Not a private journal.

On the other hand, you are a part of this story and a part of this process. So I want to tell you the fears and big moments and weepy days and deep knower stuff.

So if you think I’m oversharing, I’m really sorry.

If you think I’m undersharing, I’m really sorry.

If you are just proud of me for finally learning how to share, thanks [Mom].

I don’t want to be a missionary. Never have. I’m a major creature of comfort and I love being able to see my friends and family relatively easily. I mean, Nashville is 3.5 hours from Marietta [hometown what what!] and it still about made my heart stop to move that far away.

What I’m saying is that it takes a super strong human to be a missionary.

And super strong human I am not.

But when I’m in Scotland, I feel like I’m home. I mean, I know I’m not HOME, but it feels like home. It is this strange deep feeling of contentment that I rarely find. In fact, I have only felt this in two other places: Marietta and Nashville. I’ve stayed a month in California, weeks in Costa Rica and Africa, a blessed week in NYC- and while I love those places, none of them have known me the way these three seem to have always known me.

I’m not packing up my life and moving it to this side of the ocean. At least, that not what I’m sensing God stirring in my heart. Instead, I have this feeling of completeness. This sense that I have found the places where my life will be lived. What percent here and what percent there and how many days over there? No clue.

I’m just telling you my deep knower stuff.

It’s also really hard, by the way. Because I miss my family. I miss my friends like w.h.o.a. and I miss Baja Burrito. I’m grateful for Skype, so I can see Rock and hear him say my name and so my co-worker Jeff and I can be idiots even though we aren’t in the same office.

[Modern technology, I owe ya one. You’re making this all work for me, MoTech. Thanks.]

But it’s not the same. It’s not a hug or a shared meal or two hours on the couch watching The Bachelor.

To be BRUTALLY honest, I spend a lot of my thinking time weighing out gains and sacrifices, wins and losses. I picture scenario one and scenario two all the way to scenario fifty-six and I try to feel them each and I have cried on the train more than once just playing things out in my head.

And I think about how scary it could be to build a life around these three cities when I am 30 and single. [Sorry, this most definitely is oversharing.]

But. I also am super excited. I feel weirdly comfortable here and I’m enjoying pursuing friendships that feel real and strong.

So what I’m saying is that this post has gotten FAR too wordy and I love Scotland and I love America and I love the fact that He’s got the whole world in His hands.

So my trip is half finished- 2 weeks down, 2 weeks to go. But yet, in the deepest ways, I feel like everything is just beginning….

. . . . . . . . . .

Most importantly, today is my baby sister Sally’s 23rd birthday! I still remember waking up to go to school and my grandmother giving me a BIG SISTER pin to wear that day in 1988. It’s only gotten more awesome since then. Happy birthday, Salita! Love you.

11 comments

  1. posted on Feb 02, 2011 at 11:07 AM  |  reply

    I think THIS, the UNKNOWN, is the bravest thing of all. If your decisions were cut and dried, if it didn’t feel risky, you wouldn’t need courage. But to begin a journey that feels risky, and partway in (when you realize it’s gonna stay that way) you choose to keep going, THAT is the really brave thing.

  2. posted on Feb 02, 2011 at 12:17 PM  |  reply

    Can I just say that you are so inspiring?!?!? We could seriously be BFFs in real life. Seriously.
    And I’m pretty sure I’ve commented that before!;)
    Anyway, I’m so jealous that you’re in Scotland and I’m here in good ol’ Marietta. It’s on my list of places to see before I die. My hubs is Scotish and he’s obsessed with the place, the culture, everything. So we’re really enjoying all that you are sharing!

  3. posted on Feb 02, 2011 at 1:11 PM  |  reply

    No. Not over-sharing. Justright-sharing. I love that you took this opportunity. I love that you are really listening to God. I love that you can sit through a whole 2 hrs of the Bachelor. I love that you are figuring it all out now and not lamenting 20 years from now “what if?” Love it all.

  4. shireen eldridge
    posted on Feb 02, 2011 at 2:57 PM  |  reply

    LOVE hearing your heart on all this…God will lead you in the right direction and He can make all this work and make sense! I think more than anything, He is just proud you are open to Him and what He wants to do in you and how He wants to use you. Can’t wait to see where God takes you Annie…love you girl!

  5. Laura
    posted on Feb 03, 2011 at 12:38 AM  |  reply

    You make my heart feel wide open. I know it will all be what it is meant to be!

  6. posted on Feb 03, 2011 at 7:59 AM  |  reply

    Love your posts, but then, who doesn’t? 🙂 Thank you so much for your honesty.
    About the missionary part – you are one. Cuz aren’t you on a mission? With your writing, with your traveling, with whatever you do for and with Him?
    We are all missionaries, right where we are.
    And take that from one who has been a missionary-abroad and planning to go again wherever the Lord will send. (Which is right now in my homeland with the youth group in church and wherever else I go in my daily life.)
    I often think the word missionary is overrated… and misunderstood…

  7. posted on Feb 05, 2011 at 3:30 AM  |  reply

    hmmmmmm.i like you.

  8. Brent
    posted on Feb 06, 2011 at 11:22 PM  |  reply

    Listen to that still small voice. Trust your inner compass.

  9. posted on Feb 07, 2011 at 10:01 AM  |  reply

    Not too much..but that’s coming from Ms. TMI:)
    Share that heart of yours,Annie!!…it’s the only way love and joy have a way to creep in..besides you can only connect with someone when they risk opening the door of one’s heart.
    Enjoy where you are,this very moment is yours to embrace!!

  10. posted on Feb 07, 2011 at 9:04 PM  |  reply

    I love reading your blog and I love your heart for the Lord! Keep it up!

  11. Merideth
    posted on Feb 08, 2011 at 10:45 AM  |  reply

    I love hearing you share your heart on what is going on in your world. I second what Shireen said in her comment. You are a very lucky woman to feel so at home in these 3 places. Some people don’t feel “at home” in even 1 place. It’s a gift. Enjoy it, and let God take care of the rest. Love ya girl!

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