Half way.

on September 22, 2011 in Scotland with 17 comments by

I remember when I ran/walked/crawled the half-marathon in March, I knew it was important to take a picture at the turn, at the halfway point. I don’t remember why I knew that, but I did.

[I’m only going to link to the half-marathon post, versus reposting that picture because seriously. A girl has to have some degree of pride in this world.]

I have lived in Edinburgh for 10 weeks. I have about 9 more to go. And as you can imagine, I am a cornucopia of emotion.

I really miss home. I miss the simplicity that America is [for me, an American]. I miss my family and my friends. I miss cheese dip. I miss Nashville. I miss Crosspoint. I love my life in that city.

But I really love it here. I love the climate. I love the public transportation. I love my friends. I love the ministry. I love the £1 and £2 coins. I love my life in this city.

If I’m being gut-level honest, I’m not sure I’m built for this life- the life of a missionary who is learning to live in a completely foreign culture. But, in the same breath, I will say that I’m not sure it matters what “I” think I’m built for.

I don’t want to live in the city where I’m most comfortable or where I love my friends the most or where I love the weather or the coinage. I want to live in the city where my life glorifies CHRIST the most. 

I had a long conversation with my Mom about this last night, since there is an opportunity to be here longterm. I talked about the pros and cons and my emotions and my thoughts and when it all comes out in the wash, here is the truth: I don’t know what God’s plan for me is.

I won’t find peace in pros/cons lists. I find peace in God’s plan.

[And we’re only at halfway, so obviously this is TOTALLY worth getting worked up about right now.]

But I just want this blog to be an honest reflection of my life and the honest thing to say at halfway is that I really miss home and I don’t know what my future holds and I love living in Edinburgh.

[I warned you. A cornucopia of confusion.]

I had a dream last night. I’m not saying it was from God, but I’m not saying it wasn’t. It was October and I was in Nashville- I was at Crosspoint talking with Pete and Lyndsay. I saw a calendar that said the date and I knew what was on the Crossroads calendar that day and I was really sad to be missing it.

I don’t think that is God saying that I’m not supposed to be in Nashville longterm, I think what I’m taking away from that dream is that I’m not supposed to be in Nashville in October. 

Which is fortunate. Because hi, my name is Annie and I currently live in Edinburgh, Scotland.

And it makes me remember a great quote from Jim Elliot – “wherever you are, be all there.

So here is my halfway picture that I took yesterday at the Crossroads office.

She’s happy! She’s truly glad to be here! She loves Scotland! Halfway, baby!

And then on the walk home, after getting blown to pieces by wind and rain and shopping for last night’s Crossroads dinner and thinking too much and feeling a bit overwhelmed and strained, I took this picture.

She’s being honest! She’s a little stressed! She’s a little confused! Halfway, baby!

So, while I wait on what God wants me to do next, I choose joy. I choose to fully embrace being here. I choose not to waste a single day wondering [though I may waste moments], but to choose to be all here.

Someday, before we know it, I’ll be on a plane flying back to the land of cheese dip and southern accents, and I will bawl my eyes out and wish for just one more day.

Today is that day.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

17 comments

  1. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 7:46 AM  |  reply

    I love the honesty of this post. Praying the Lord gives you clarity & the peace that passes all understanding. I love that you choose joy! (Edinburgh sounds so very exciting to me! 🙂

  2. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 7:53 AM  |  reply

    Praying for wisdom for you. And if we’re being honest- I’m just a bit jealous of your opportunity to travel and see new places. We can trade for a week anytime you want. I’ll travel and you can be a stay at home mom to four beautiful children.

  3. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 8:22 AM  |  reply

    Super cute pictures. Navy and white stripes? Love them. And I love when I get to talk to your mom for an hour sometimes.

  4. Merideth
    posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 9:07 AM  |  reply

    Honestly, I’m a little jealous of your opportunities because I’m still praying for opportunities to be opened in my life. You are so very blessed Annie. Praying for your homesick heart, as well as the Lord’s direction as you think about your future. OH, and you are definitely not the only one who starts thinking about/worrying about stuff like this ahead of time. I do it too.

  5. Merideth
    posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 9:09 AM  |  reply

    OH, and you have such an amazing heart for the Lord. Hold onto that desire to glorify him, and serve him.

  6. Lynne
    posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 9:52 AM  |  reply

    Okay, I’ve never commented before (de-lurking!), but I just had to let you know that this post really helped me out today. I’m in the midst of a (slightly) similar decision, and it’s tough! So, thank you for the encouragement to seek God’s will, and for that quote from Jim Elliot – that one’s going to be stuck in my head for a while!!

  7. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 10:20 AM  |  reply

    I loved checking in on you, dearest Annie. I am praying that you heart finds a place to settle and nest. xxoo

  8. caren
    posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 10:26 AM  |  reply

    girl- you are SO speaking my language right now. thanks for this. I needed it. and ps- you look super cute- love that cardigan!!

  9. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 10:53 AM  |  reply

    Annie,

    I think I just had about 5 different epiphanies while reading this post. Thanks for that. 🙂

    As someone who has done the whole why am I here, where am I supposed to be, what’s God’s plan thing a lot (and someone of it overseas too). I think the bits about being “all there,” being where Christ wants you are top notch.

  10. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 11:10 AM  |  reply

    “I choose not to waste a single day wondering [though I may waste moments], but to choose to be all here.”

    This is exactly where I’m at right now. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Annie. It’s not easy to be torn between two places, happy you are where you are yet missing what’s going on without you back home. But I don’t regret the reasons I moved here and it makes time in my hometown that much sweeter.

  11. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 11:30 AM  |  reply

    Thanks for your honest thoughts, Annie! I’m also currently looking to God for the right direction to head, but I’m no good at the patience thing. 🙂 No matter where you are, it seems you bless those around you. Praise God for that!

  12. jennifer
    posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 12:40 PM  |  reply

    oh, annie. I sort of cried when i read this because there are some of us who wish we had taken the opportunity to do some of the things you have allowed yourself to do. and yet, i realize there is never a time that we are not balancing the thing we love vs. the thing we love. it would be so easy if we had to make a choice between the good and the not so good. it is in choosing the best that we find the heart of God for ourselves. i cried for another reason and it is way too long to write here so you can read the email i have had in my draft box for a couple of weeks and will now be sending to you. praying for you daily!

  13. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 4:40 PM  |  reply

    Cornucopia of confusion? What an image – I imagine it’s what the inside of my head looks like sometimes 🙂 I’ve been in that spot more than once, and as I’m trying to discern God’s plan for this next phase of my life all I can say that I know for certain is that seeking God wholeheartedly and desiring to be obedient to him and his leading in your life is always the right choice. Like someone already said, it’s just easier to do if the choice is between God’s plan (whatever that is) and a clearly inferior alternative. When the choice is to choose BEST over VERY GOOD, that is so much harder. Praying the “second half” will be extraordinary!

  14. posted on Sep 22, 2011 at 7:21 PM  |  reply

    friend…as always love your honesty in this and praying for you.

  15. Tiffany Davis
    posted on Sep 23, 2011 at 4:52 PM  |  reply

    It is wise to make lists of pros and cons but when it comes to the most important decisions in life like marriage decisions, missionary decisions, etc. listen to your heart.

  16. posted on Sep 25, 2011 at 12:59 AM  |  reply

    Underneath that last picture. Those last couple paragraphs. I needed those words tonight.

    Thank you, Annie!

  17. posted on Oct 12, 2011 at 4:22 PM  |  reply

    This is such a beautiful and honest post. This is one of my favorite verses; I think its very applicable to you right now: The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of the morning sun, becoming ever brighter until the full light of day. Proverbs 4:18

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