Tears in my cereal.

on May 1, 2013 in Ze Bloggy Goodness with 16 comments by

I sat down to dinner at 9:30pm last night.

To a bowl of rice krispies and almond milk.

I took a deep breath and my eyes filled with tears. For being the first day back from vacation, it was kinda a doozie – like a bad Monday sneaking up on your Tuesday.

Tears built all day but never spilled.

I woke up Monday morning honestly saddened over the end of a holiday that felt like paradise and escape, in all the right ways.

I wrote an article before lunch that was deep for me emotionally, pulling from some old places, and it bubbled emotion in me that those first-day-back-from-vacay blues already had simmering.

I read this post about being a teacher from Jen Hatmaker and my teacher heart, the one the still lives in me and still missed being in the classroom a lot of days, could barely take it.

My basement fills up more and more every day of college student paraphernalia as summer has arrived and the gals are just storing away their goods until the fall. So I said goodbye to a few until their junior year brings them back to this town and the second half of their college careers.

And then for some of my other college students who are walking through hard seasons – big choices, heartbreak, change that they don’t know how to handle, I feel like a triage nurse just trying to keep the emotional bleeding from getting out of control.

I almost cried as I finished Freefall to Fly by Rebekah Lyons Monday afternoon because it is one of the most beautiful books I have read in a long time.

And so, at the end of the day, when all this had built up and because I am me and I have been me for almost 33 years, I cried into my cereal, as one hand held the spoon and the other held my head.

I cried because some of my favorite humans who are also like family who are also seniors in college are graduating and the change that will bring to my life is more than I ever expected. And I feel the loss so deep that I can barely breathe when I think about it.

I cried because on the last day of the month all the finances for that month come in and go out and God allows me to practice faith and trust a lot in this area.

I cried because the war for our hearts never end when you are a believer, and I’m watching as people I love dearly are in the spiritual cross-hairs and can hardly stand under the weight of it. I cried because I know it doesn’t end. I cried because the enemy of our hearts doesn’t play by any rules and it sucks.

Trust me, I know Who wins in the end, but it doesn’t make the day to day battling pain-free.

I cried as I read 2 Corinthians. Not for my life, but for the lives of those I love that are feeling it.

We are hard pressed on every side, 

but not crushed;

perplexed, 

but not in despair;

persecuted, 

but not abandoned; 

struck down,

but not destroyed. 

I sing it over them as I pray. I feel it in my bones.

If you feel that today too, trust the Word of God. You are not crushed. Those you love will not live in despair. You are not abandoned. You, your people, your heart – they will not be destroyed.

Amen.

16 comments

  1. posted on May 01, 2013 at 5:14 AM  |  reply

    Amen, Annie. Amen.

  2. Blaire
    posted on May 01, 2013 at 7:56 AM  |  reply

    Thank you for saying this, “Trust me, I know Who wins in the end, but it doesn’t make the day to day battling pain-free.”

  3. Merideth
    posted on May 01, 2013 at 8:28 AM  |  reply

    Thanks for this Annie. needed to hear it.

  4. Erin
    posted on May 01, 2013 at 10:17 AM  |  reply

    Wow, Annie. Thanks for this — I could cry at my desk.

  5. posted on May 01, 2013 at 5:54 PM  |  reply

    Thinking of you.

  6. posted on May 01, 2013 at 6:40 PM  |  reply

    sometimes things pile up and we just need to water our cereal or whatever happens to be at hand. We acknowledge the difficulty and also acknowledge who wins in spite of it. Thanks for sharing!

  7. posted on May 01, 2013 at 8:16 PM  |  reply

    Feeling similarly. You wrote it so well.

  8. Molly Hasty
    posted on May 02, 2013 at 8:07 AM  |  reply

    I love the honest of this post. I do not do well with change , especially the kind of change that causes my loved ones to move farther from me(I’m the girl that cried everyday in pre-school when my mom would drop me off). I like having my people near me all the time and I don’t like to think of things ever changing or anybody ever leaving. It’s just so hard.

  9. Molly Hasty
    posted on May 02, 2013 at 8:08 AM  |  reply

    *honesty of the post

  10. posted on May 02, 2013 at 8:25 AM  |  reply

    As I read this post, I thought, “I’ve had seasons like that.” It’s comforting and encouraging to know that I’m not the only one and neither are you. In some seasons, ministering to and loving college students is as hard as it is rewarding (which is a lot!) but always worth it.

  11. Erica
    posted on May 02, 2013 at 10:54 AM  |  reply

    Annie, I work at a christian university…. the 8 girls I’ve mentored and had Bible study with for the last four years are graduating in a week, and I can barely take it! I can’t believe they won’t be piling into my house each week, stopping by my office everyday, meeting me for lunch all the time… just too much! I hear you! As I pray for my heart during this change, I’ll be praying for yours as well!

  12. posted on May 02, 2013 at 10:14 PM  |  reply

    I hear ya! Thanks for the link to the post about teachers. It is that time of year, and I am dealing with weight of having students that are losing it after a great year. I feel like I am holding them in place till the last bell rings.

    As well, I am learning the power in recognizing the fact that things are hard and that’s okay because God brings down walls, defeats nations, crowns kinds, makes mountains tremble, and he can certainly keep 7th graders from falling apart until the end of school! (And me as well!)

  13. Sally
    posted on May 03, 2013 at 9:54 AM  |  reply

    This is so good, Annie. I ended the night crying last night too, and your words of strength in the battle are so good to hear. Thank you.

  14. amanda
    posted on May 03, 2013 at 11:32 AM  |  reply

    Tears in my pizza. Sometimes the best posts are those in the moment that are real and raw with emotion and that’s what this is. And it’s so funny how the spirit moves us. Right now, I’m feeling 2 Corinthians. I just happened to pick up my computer and thought — I need to check in on some of my favorite Christian bloggers and this is the first I read. The Lord knows what we need, when we need it and he crafts some interesting ways of making sure we get it. Your blog gave me a moment of clarity I’ve been praying about regarding career and finances. TRUST ME, he says. TRUST ME! Thanks for sharing your heart with us, Annie. And most importantly, your heart for Jesus.

  15. posted on May 03, 2013 at 10:18 PM  |  reply

    “You are not crushed. Those you love will not live in despair. You are not abandoned. You, your people, your heart – they will not be destroyed.” AMEN indeed. Thank you.

  16. posted on May 05, 2013 at 2:25 AM  |  reply

    What an honest post – and one that various aspects of resonates with many of us, it seems. And probably also with more who may not be willing to say it just yet.

    Amen to this: Trust me, I know Who wins in the end, but it doesn’t make the day to day battling pain-free.

    Not only does it not make the day to day battling pain-free, it also doesn’t make it any easier. So glad we know the ‘ending’ and that even when sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, He’s still in control!

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