Where have I been?

on December 11, 2013 in Ze Bloggy Goodness with 9 comments by

I feel like I owe you an apology.

Though the last few days have been better, I have not been the best blogger recently. I rocked that 31 Ways to Speak Love in October but then sorta took a nosedive into oblivion and haven’t kept up well.

So. Here’s why.

This fall was busy, in a lot of great ways. Speak Love released, Girls of Grace had an awesome and crazy fall, and I traveled a ton. I’m pretty good at the hustle of my job most days, until it ends.

Then I fall apart.

It happened last fall, so I was more prepared for it- the exhaustion when the career train slows down.

But last month? A lot of things fell apart, to be real. And the last few weeks have mostly looked like me sitting on my bedroom floor surrounded by invisible pieces of things that have shattered not knowing where to start cleaning or repairing. Internally, externally, relationally, personally, professionally. And I had been working so hard through the fall months that when it all stopped, I was deeply tired. And broken.

Things weren’t okay.

I got quiet.

I slept too much.

My hair started falling out.

November was no bueno.

And when you’re smack in the middle of that, it’s hard to write about. Journal about. Pray about. Talk about.

Over the summer, for a totally unrelated reason, I started seeing a counselor. Early in September, when the situation that sent me there in the first place cleared up, she said, “what do we talk about now?” I was like, “well, I’m about to travel a lot, sometimes that’s hard on me, so… let’s go on maintenance mode- once a month, maybe?”

And then November.

And maintenance mode became HELP ME mode.

And without counseling and my people and their prayers, I’m not kidding that maybe those last few weeks would have sunk me. That’s a quote from the counselor. And I believe her.

God knew. And He made a way- between a wise unbiased voice and a few dear friends who knew it all- for me.

. . . . .

Man, this job I have as an author and speaker is so great and so hard. Do I tell you that enough? Or that I screw things up because I can be selfish and self-centered and fearful and worried? Or do I just make it look like a blast all the time? It is- it is so fun and I’m so grateful- but y’all, I haven’t been as plugged into Jesus like I could have been and the battle has been real and I have been losing. And it has been hard.

But I have not been abandoned.

I am not alone.

And we all go through stuff.

Welcome to life as a human.

. . . . .

For about two years, I’ve been asking God for some specific breakthroughs in some areas of my life- for myself and for people that I love. And last month, deep in my knower, I felt like God whispered, “if you want a breakthrough, things have to break.”

I believe Him.

I believe this is Him.

We don’t struggle without purpose. We don’t fight without a mission.

I don’t know if this is a reminder for you or a weird insert into your Advent season, but mainly I wanted you guys to know that I haven’t forgotten you and I don’t just care about book stuff and I want to tell you the silly and fun and weird of my every day, as this blog was born to do.

So thanks for being here. Sorry it’s been quieter than normal.

Here’s to real life and hard seasons and surviving the best of things.

9 comments

  1. posted on Dec 11, 2013 at 9:04 AM  |  reply

    Annie, thanks so much for this raw & honest post. I know it’s not easy and I’m so sorry things have been so hard.

    I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about how I think sometimes bloggers and writers need an “Emotionally Under Construction” sign, when life’s circumstances take them away from their everyday writing and they need to hit pause–it’s can be hard sometimes trying to do “life as usual” when that’s so not the case.

    Thanks for sharing your heart. Praying for you this morning!

  2. posted on Dec 11, 2013 at 9:55 AM  |  reply

    This is a good reminder that we all have our struggles. Blogs can make us appear superhuman and always on top of things when in real life it’s far from the truth. I appreciate the times when truth is shared. Then we can pray and say, “Yes, I know that feeling. Help her, Lord.” Hugs.

  3. posted on Dec 11, 2013 at 10:15 AM  |  reply

    Annie, don’t apologize for taking time for yourself!

    If you need a break from blogging, TAKE IT! 🙂 Your readers will thank you later because you’ll return to blog world with a new, fresh energy and continue to speak love in your posts in a new and exciting way!

    All creatives need breaks! It helps them get the rest they need and be even more creative upon their return.

    🙂

  4. Erica G
    posted on Dec 11, 2013 at 10:55 AM  |  reply

    Thanks for sharing, Annie…. trusting and believing God for you.

  5. posted on Dec 11, 2013 at 1:33 PM  |  reply

    I feel like I just read an entry from myself about my own autumn, but it is yours. Thank you for writing this. It’s comforting, isn’t it, to know that this is life for all of us; we’re all human; we all face it. I pray the Lord will bless you in a special and unique way this Christmas. May His steadfast love be your strong grasp (and mine too).

  6. posted on Dec 11, 2013 at 6:13 PM  |  reply

    I just discovered your blog. I love it.

  7. posted on Dec 12, 2013 at 11:39 AM  |  reply

    Oh Annie, thank you for your honesty and your heart. You are one of my favorite people on the internet, friend. 🙂 I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I know you are growing and drawing closer to God through it. (Man, I’ve gone through seasons like this at this time of year !) Thinking of you and praying for you friend.

  8. marylyn
    posted on Dec 12, 2013 at 7:24 PM  |  reply

    thank you for your honest words. i can’t imagine what it’s like to be a writer. while i love reading posts like this because they remind me that i’m not alone in dark places and that God is still faithful even when he doesn’t feel faithful, i can’t imagine what it’s like to have to be authentic with the interwebs. because when i’m sad i basically want to cry on my couch and have my roommates notice but not talk to me. thank you for your vulnerability…and also your quiet. quiet is a much overrated thing in our world. praying for peace, hope & joy (not the christmas card cheesy kind but the deep, abiding, true kind) for you.

  9. Heather
    posted on Dec 18, 2013 at 11:35 AM  |  reply

    Annie, I am just catching up on your blog after a week of quiet myself. I think sometimes people who are out there blogging and speaking and writing feel like they need to ALWAYS be blogging and speaking and writing. And that’s not fair to you. You need your quiet time and your time with those who know you best. You shouldn’t have to share with strangers reading your blog if you don’t want to or can’t. I’ve been following your blog for a few months now and I didn’t notice a drastic difference in posts…I just attributed it to fatigue after you wrote every day in October. That’s my two cents. I hope you get the encouragement and renewed strength that you need. Blessings!

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