I sat on my friends’ back porch last Monday night. And I cried. [What’s new. These people put up with my tears all the time.]
We were talking about my writing life and where that was taking me with God. See, here’s the thing. I love the Lord. A lot. And in the last few months, He’s become more than just best friend, husband, provider, confidant. He’s also become my business partner.
Do you get what I’m saying? This whole freelance writer/trust God to provide financially thang has thrown our relationship into an entirely new arena where we “work” together. And I don’t know how to do this.
So it got weird. I started focusing so much of my prayer life on business stuff and not personal stuff that it started to feel like a work relationship.
I sat on their porch, tears pouring down my cheeks saying, “It just doesn’t feel like He KNOWS me anymore. And it’s all business. God’s Word says He pursues us. And I’m not experiencing that right now.”
Possibly, the next direct quote *may* have been “Does God love me anymore?“. [But that sounds really heretical and un-Christian, so let’s pretend I didn’t question His love for me. Okay? Okay.]
I walked out of their house in pieces, after finally saying out loud the question that I was afraid to admit. But sometimes, I’ve come to see, God reveals a lie I’m hearing and believing and let’s me sit in the sadness for a bit. Kinda leaves my life in shambles and allows me to feel like I have completely lost my way.
Then He bursts onto the scene with truth. Like Superman.
While at SheSpeaks, the (in)courage girls got together and received a few little gifts- one of them being a super cute posy pin by Lindsey. We all pinned them onto our shirts and looked around. Amazingly, each posy pin matched the oufit perfectly. Like, PERFECTLY. So we laughed about it. And then I looked down at mine.
My jaw dropped. I looked over to Nester and said, “Is this what your posy says?” Nope. It didn’t.
Is. That. Not. Amazing?!?
There’s deeper issue in me regarding this, and trust me- I dealt with some serious conviction about remembering that God’s love isn’t dependent on my feelings. I closed my eyes later that day and prayed, thanking God for His unfailing love, asking forgiveness for my faithlessness, and prayed that He would increase my faith.
May He increase your faith today, too. And may you hear, as I heard again last weekend, that you are SO LOVED.