I fear a picnic.

I know that’s not normal.

Let me tell you how this happened.

I began to peruse the website of the church I will be attending (at least for now) in Nashville. Because as you may know, I will be moving there next week.


Ok, so I wasn’t super panicked about that. In fact, I was looking around with some confidence. “I can do this,” I thought, “all these things seem rather normal. Children’s ministry. Budget talk. Sure. I can handle all these things. This is gonna be swell.”

Then I saw it.

Two weeks after I arrive. A picnic.

Let me list for you a few reasons that I felt a little throw up come to my mouth when I read that:

1. It’s being held at a park that I have never heard of. Great start.

2. It’s August. Do you know what August feels like outside at 4:30pm?

3. I have what some might call a little sweating problem. Which is not the way I want to be remembered. In August. Outside. At 4:30pm.

4. Who will I talk with? Sit with? Sweat near? Sweat on?

5. You know that moment when you show up at a party? And everyone is talking with other people and you look around for a few seconds to find your people? And it feels pretty awkward just standing there but you know it will end soon because you are just mere seconds from finding your people? Yeah. I don’t have any people.

6. Everyone is supposed to bring kites.

7. I don’t own a kite.

8. Because kites and I don’t have a great history. They tend to do the ole nose dive move when I’m at the string. So that’s even cooler.

9. “Hey y’all. Who’s that girl sweating a lot with her kite stuck nose down in the ground?” That question could totally happen.

10. It’s a potluck picnic. No pressure, Annie, just make it delicious and memorable. And not the same as what someone else makes. And label your tupperware. Unless no one else does. Then don’t.

11. They used four exclamation points when announcing the Church Picnic !!!! Which means everyone is really pumped about it.

12. Did I mention it’s outside? In August?

So my strategy?
2. Invest in and use a large amount of CertainDri ahead of time.
3. Buy a kite.
4. And practice flying it.
5. Consider it a great opportunity to collect some seriously hilarious blog fodder.
6. Leave the very minute things get terribly awkward. Or the moment right before I start to cry. Whichever comes first.
7. Hope that no one I’ve met in Nashville reads my blog yet so that when the picnic comes, they don’t remind me of this post that I am writing really late at night and proceed to tell other picnickers what a serious sweater I am and how poorly I control a kite.

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