A few nights before I left for college, I remember staying up for hours and weeping over the fear of going off to school. Leaving my parents, leaving my sisters, leaving my friends, my life, my normal. I remember clearly sitting on the side of my bed, in the dark, saying out loud to God, “I CAN’T DO THIS. I CAN’T. I CAN’T DO THIS.”
I still went to college. But I was super scared.
Whatever that fear is, whatever that deep panic that barely stays below the surface, it happened a few nights before I moved to Nashville in 2008.
I still moved to Nashville. But it was so deeply scary.
That fear, however poetically you wish I could describe it, kept me from studying abroad in college. It has kept me from a few things. And a few months ago, I told you that I was stronger than that fear.
Confession: I’m not sure I am.
[Lucky for you, me, and my friends in Scotland, it is too late to change my mind. And I don’t want to.]
But the fear has been L-O-U-D. So stinkin’ loud. Especially these last few days.
It dresses like insecurity [“why are my friends not texting me back?”].
It dresses like regret [“you are going to miss SO much while you are gone”].
It dresses like pure fear [“what if I get lost in the Amsterdam airport?”].
It dresses like discouragement [“this just may be a bad idea, Annie”].
And it arrives, all dressed up in the costume of choice, every.single.day.
I’ve prayed. I’ve told my friends. I’ve resorted to listening to music while trying to fall asleep so my head will simply be full of some other voices. There’s not much more I can do.
Except pack. And get on a plane. And show this multi-faced fear that it can haunt me all it wants, but it doesn’t win. It doesn’t defeat me. If God is for me, who can be against me?
I’m still going to Scotland on Monday.
So why do I tell you all this?
Because sometimes I think the best thing I can do for you, as my friend, is admit when I’m weak. Admit when I’m getting beat. Admit when I’ve made a plan and know that it is what God has for me but also admit when I am SUPER SCARED.
I am super scared.
Happy Thursday. 🙂