Hi. My name is Clumsy.

I have had one of those weeks.  Where I get hurt.  A lot.

#1- FACE INJURY.  So my bedroom door that leads to the bathroom opens into my room.  It swings towards the wall.  My hair dryer fell off my desk and landed on the floor, in the exact location that it would block the door from opening all the way.

I wish I would have seen that hair dryer.

Because when I woke up first thing and threw the door back [as I do every morning], I proceeded to walk swiftly through the doorway.  Problem being that the door wouldn’t open all the way because of said hair dryer doubling as a door stop.  Someone should have told my face that.  Because my right cheek smacked directly into the corner of the door.  And it hurts.  That kinda hurt that makes you want to touch it all the time even though it is super painful?  Yeah, that kind. It’s gonna bruise.  Deep bruise.  Colors of the rainbow bruise.  You know the one.

The up side is that I can PERFECTLY do that scene from Tommy Boy where he says, “Not so much here or here, but rrriiiiggghhttt here.”

#2- LEG INJURY.  I was getting out of the car, holding my gym bag, water bottle, keys, and phone.  As I do about twelve times a day, I went to close the car door.

I wish I would have taken one more step away.

Because as I went to slam the door shut, my right leg was still between the door and the car and instead of closing directly into the car, it accelerated towards my calf and now I have what I consider a possibly serious injury on my shin.

[Have I ever mentioned that I am a bit of an exaggerator when it comes to pain? I have what professionals call a “low pain tolerance”.]

I thought I might die from the pure hurt of it all.

#3- HEAD/PRIDE INJURY.  Oh, the piece de resistance.  I was at Frothy Monkey, and they have this jacked up situation where you sit on a long church pew with the table in front of you.  All these small tables, I don’t know- 2 ft. by 2 ft., are lined up next to each other with a little space in between each one.  About 8 tables total.  Can you see it?  Anyways, under the pew, in the wall, is the electrical socket.  UNDER THE PEW.  Not easy to get to.  So I delicately kneel down, like a flower I’m sure, to plug my computer in.  Once I get it it plugged in, I start to stand up.

I wish I would have been about 15 inches to the left.

Because as I stood up, I SLAMMED my head into the table next to mine, causing all the dishes and cups to spill over and rattle and distract the entire establishment.  I smiled, did a little “yeah that was me” wave, and then I evaporated.  Not officially, but I wanted to.  Real bad.

And you wonder why I’m not a risk taker?

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