Dumpster Diver.

on October 22, 2008 in Nash-livin' with 25 comments by

There was a big bag of trash on our back porch.  Don’t really worry about the details…. it has something to do with “running late” and “Annie is lazy”, but whatev.

And I went out last night to see that the bag of trash had been turned over.  And it sounded like someone was jogging in circles under the deck.

And by someone, I mean something.  I put clue #1 and clue #2 together and bingo.  It appears that we’ve got ourselves a little animal buddy.

Guessing at it’s species, let’s just say that I was WISHING it was a mouse.  Cause it was WAY BIGGER than a mouse.  Smaller than a burglar with a crow bar.  Thankfully.  But bigger than a GAP bag dancer.

Thinking that I am surely superior in brains than said “thing”, whom I’ve nicknamed Dumpster Diver, I tie the bag up real tight because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs to get it open.

Nothing gets by me.

Except that fact that Dumpster Diver has RAZOR SHARP TEETH.  So dude just ignored that pretty bow at the top and started chowing on the side.

[Obviously, as soon as I heard trash rumbling on the porch, I whisper-screamed for roomie Jamie, grabbed my camera, and headed for the back door.]

And there he was.  With his seriously thick tail.  Please notice that Dumpster Diver is ALMOST AS BIG AS A BAG OF TRASH.

Did you know that there is such a thing as fear-induced vomiting?  There is.

So we mustered up our courage, banged on the window, and yelled “Get outta here!  Go eat someone else’s left over pancakes!!”

While we were bossing him around, he turned and said,

And in that moment, it was crystal clear who really had the upper hand paw in this situation.  It wasn’t the humans.  Especially not the one with the camera.  I was puking in fear.

Jamie quickly replied, “No sir.”  And we backed away from the door.

Then he left his snack and headed back down the stairs to the yard.

Refusing to be intimidated by an animal with a cone shaped face, I grabbed a broom, and opened the door.  Slamming the broom on the porch [to keep him away of course], Jamie grabbed the bag of trash and brought it inside.

And after rebagging it, I set it right up against the inside of the door.  Where he could see it, but not touch it.  Or gnaw it.

Cause I find some sort of sick satisfaction in the idea that in the end, I outsmarted him.

And he finds some sort of sick satisfaction in eating my trash.

To each his own.

25 comments

  1. April Carter
    posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:19 AM  |  reply

    Funny stuff like this never happens to me! Maybe I should start a blog and it would!

  2. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:40 AM  |  reply

    HIGH larious! You sure know how to tell a story. And yes, fear induced vomiting is a very real thing.

    You sure showed him, huh? Indeed, nothing gets by you. Well, unless you count ROUS’s. But not counting that… NOTHING gets by you.

  3. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:41 AM  |  reply

    This is the kind of thing where even in the moment, you think about how the blog post will go.

    And you’ve probably figured this out, but where I come from we call that a possum.

  4. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:44 AM  |  reply

    Annie. You need to get yourself an education in rodents. FIRST OF ALL, you thought that the Germantown 5K mascot was a squirrel, when it was in fact a raccoon. THEN, yesterday you told me that a raccoon had eaten your trash, when these pictures prove that it was in fact a possum.

    Squirrel=small, bushy tail, eats nuts
    Raccoon=bigger, STRIPED bushy tail, black mask around eyes
    Possum=spawn of Satan

  5. kathleen
    posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:55 AM  |  reply

    Those are some sick pictures. Please never post photos like this again!!
    Did it hiss at you?

  6. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 11:16 AM  |  reply

    when we moved into our house 3 years ago it took a while to unpack all the boxes, so our garage had quite a few. One was a large, tall box with linens and my children’s stuffed animals. We got the linens and left the stuffed animals in the OPEN box in the garage. One night my husband was out there puttering around when he called me to look in the box, “Is that one moving?” Yes! ‘our possum got in but couldn’t get out!! we took the box to the field next door, laid it on its side and hit the side with the broom. Poor scared thing ran for his life!

  7. Southern Gal
    posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 11:34 AM  |  reply

    Hate opossums!!! I squash at least one a year while driving at night. They make a sick noise…YUCK!

    Did you really tell the other Annie it was a raccoon???

    Renee

  8. John Ireland
    posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 11:43 AM  |  reply

    good times 🙂 why does it look like worms are crawling on the bag in the top pic?

  9. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 1:02 PM  |  reply

    eeewwww…..eeeewwwww…double eeewww!! thats one ugly possum!!! **hits it with a dust pan** hugs and prayers…

  10. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 1:04 PM  |  reply

    Annie, a word of warning. We actually used bungy cords around the lids of our trashcans, and we STILL had rodents getting in them. Taunting it by setting your trash right inside the door might not be wise, especially to ones that talk back. They’re very sneaky…

  11. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 1:28 PM  |  reply

    that thing is super gross, but your recount of the events is super funny! thanks for giving me a laugh, unfortunately at the expense of your garbage and fear vomit… at least something good came of this!

  12. E
    posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 2:25 PM  |  reply

    Aww. How cute, you should consider adopting!

  13. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 2:45 PM  |  reply

    yuck. just yuck.

  14. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 3:26 PM  |  reply

    ~big, fat, full-body shudder~

    That this is GROSS!! And that tail… ooooooh!!!!

    So glad you outsmarted it girl. 😉

  15. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 3:56 PM  |  reply

    Ok, the scientist in me is coming out… I just can’t help it!

    Opossums are not rodents, folks; they are marsupials. Like Kangaroos, they have pouches. And they look quite different than possums, which live mostly in Australia.

    They are nocturnal and eat pretty much anything they can get. (obviously)

    Unfortunately, these rather unsightly creatures CAN be aggressive. So, Annie my friend, please keep that broomstick by the door!

  16. candace
    posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 6:26 PM  |  reply

    did you really throw up?

  17. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:34 PM  |  reply

    DE SKUSTING

  18. posted on Oct 22, 2008 at 9:38 PM  |  reply

    Fear vomit sounds even worse than an Evening with James Taylor +1 SuperRed Hurricane + 1 Mike Bedingfield Orange Crush vomit. At least we were laughing for mine!

  19. posted on Oct 23, 2008 at 12:16 AM  |  reply

    Ewwwww. Just…ewwwww.

  20. posted on Oct 23, 2008 at 12:32 AM  |  reply

    I found one of those suckers floating in our swimming pool when I was a teenager….let me just say that dead possums are very heavy to lift out of the swimming pool with one of those long handled strainer baskets.

    Another possum story…sorta.

    My sweet daddy had a line he never failed to deliver anytime we went out to eat. The waitress would come to take our order, and he would say, “Don’t you have any armadillo on this menu? How bout some possum?” EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    Course….I was mortified as a teen, but now, as a daughter desperately missing her daddy who is being stolen away from her by dementia, I’d give anything to go back to those days.

  21. posted on Oct 23, 2008 at 7:08 PM  |  reply

    This has totally happened to me…except I didn’t capture it on film and our DD enjoyed the dog food we left out for him every night.

    On a somewhat related note, the small town of Rhonesboro where I grew up celebrates the annual possum festival. Please don’t judge me based on this information.

  22. posted on Oct 24, 2008 at 10:34 AM  |  reply

    I HATE POSSUMS!!

    Growing up in Garden Grove, CA they were all over the place. They are rabid little monsters and always angry.

    Annie, stay the heck away from the buggers.

    YUCK YUCK YUCK

  23. Laura
    posted on Oct 24, 2008 at 3:12 PM  |  reply

    did you REALLY throw up? thats yucky.

  24. posted on Oct 25, 2008 at 2:56 PM  |  reply

    It’s supposed to snow here tomorrow. Which makes me utter large, despondent sighs.

    But we don’t have large rodents on our porches. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem like such a bad trade-off.

  25. posted on Oct 31, 2008 at 12:04 AM  |  reply

    I am getting a little freaked out now. because we have had critters in our trash the last 3 nights.

Join the discussion

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get a sneak peek of Annie’s latest book! Click the link to download two free chapters of Let’s All Be Brave.