Have you ever found yourself avoiding?
Yeah, me too.
I have a pile of clean laundry that has been sitting in my laundry basket since last Friday. [That will not be the sentence that gets me a marriage proposal anytime soon.] I haven’t been to the grocery store in a week or so, and to be honest, Multi-grain cheerios are awesome, but they are WAY MORE AWESOME with milk.
But it seems that all the areas of my life intertwine like cooked spaghetti. If I’m avoiding in one area, I’m avoiding in other areas. I haven’t called my parents today (which is out of the ordinary), I’m not sitting down and journaling, I’m not calling my bfries from home.
All acts of avoidance.
I haven’t done something bad. I promise. I mean, I have. I’m a sinner. But I’m not, like, eluding the police or anything. [Speaking of police, GREAT STORIES! Coming Monday, why Annie fears police mucho. It’s a ridiculous set of stories.]
I’m just avoiding opinions. My friends’, family’s, my own, even God’s.
Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you just DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT PEOPLE THINK? It’s rare for me, but I’m there today.
I have this perpetual problem of sharing WAY TOO MUCH information with anyone who will slow down long enough for me to get my thoughts out. It’s a great trait to have- everyone knows all my secrets and I’m ridiculously transparent with my friends and family. And ridiculously vulnerable. To opinions. And traitors. And opinions (did I mention that?).
I also like soliciting advice. If I’m in a situation where I don’t know what to do, I want to call everyone I’ve ever known and get their thoughts. Then I will put them all together and go with the choice that has the most votes.[Co-dependent? Indecisive? Maybe a bit strange? Sure. Whichever you prefer.]
But I think the root of this is fear. Fear that my own decision will be wrong. Fear that you [not YOU you, but the general you] will disagree with my decision or thoughts and by default, would I then be making the wrong decision?
I believe some would label me a “people-pleaser”. I think that is a mild way to put it.
For no reason at all, I also fear what God has to say about this too. Not every day, just today. My brain muddles up the facts so much that I can’t hear the truth anymore, especially when the truth seems to have a lot of faces, like a pair of dice. All the truth, just lots of sides. At least that is how it feels.
At some point in this, Captain Avoidance here is going to disappoint someone. Maybe my friends? Maybe my family? Maybe just by working so hard to please all of them, I will end up disappointing myself.
And I kinda hate that.
So I keep doing my thing, checking my email, reading my book club book, biting my nails, and doing whatever it takes to no longer think about the situations in which I can’t find an all-pleasing answer.
This is NOT a fun Friday blog. I’m really sorry. But my friend Candace says that bloggers never look weak or like they have issues. But trust me, amidst the fun parties [with or without awesome dress], the great new friends, and the new found love of Nashville,
I’m still Annie.
I still disappoint myself and wish I was more like the me I can make up in my head.
The laundry needs folding. I want milk in my cereal. I’m about to call my parents. And somewhere, in the deep part of me, the part that is officially greater than my fears, I want to hear God.
Now go and have yourself a fun weekend.
I’ve totally got you in the mood. 🙂