Day 15 :: Single Ladies

on October 15, 2013 in (in)courage, 31 Ways To Speak Love with 5 comments by

31 waysIt’s been almost two years that I’ve been blogging at (in)courage about being single. [You can scroll through the posts here.]

I never wanted to write about being single. It’s not fun for me. As I said recently to a friend, when you write non-fiction for a living, there are very few curtains that remain closed in the house of your life. I feel like most things I live I end up talking about online, in books, or from a stage… much to the chagrin of my people who sometimes wish our lives would just not be on display.

I get it. Me too.

Singleness, for a long time, was a room in my house where the curtains remained tightly closed. And I liked it that way.

Then God began to gently tap me on the shoulder, nudge me closer to the windows, and speak kindly to me about how I should maybe just open the curtains a bit, let some light into this dark place.

I shuffled my feet and begrudgingly opened up about this topic. And while it still isn’t my favorite, I am grateful for all the emails and comments and conversations that come from single women. Whether it’s a 22 year old or a 62 year old, the pain is legitimate and the hurt is real and the questions swirl in your mind and if we at (in)courage can offer some healing balm in that place, we will.

Today, I’m writing over there about how to speak love to unmarried people. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

. . . . .


I think today would be a great day for your to call up a single friend of yours and encourage her in a specific way. Maybe send her an e-card? Maybe write on her facebook wall? Maybe invite her over to hang with your family and drink coffee and chat after the kids go to bed? Remember her today- the single girl that you and your family love. And tell her so.


This is Day 15 of 31 Ways to Speak Love. You can click here to see a list of all the posts in the series.


  1. posted on Oct 15, 2013 at 7:26 AM  |  reply

    Thats a place in my heart I am not quite ready to explore. Its great that your are talking about it

  2. Jenni
    posted on Oct 15, 2013 at 9:13 AM  |  reply

    I don’t love talking about it either…..but it seems to keep coming up in my face. I just put up a blog post this week reflecting on a particular sermon in the series currently being preached at my church and linking to several articles that I felt did a better than I could at articulating the hard stuff.

    I struggle with not wanting to sound bitter or whiney, but opening up conversation with folks to make them aware. There were several comments made on the preacher’s link on FB a few days after the sermon about how they’d never thought about singles in the church and how so many of the things the church does could feel alienating and hurtful. That has been pretty frustrating for me – the complete unawareness of so many.

    So, be it single never-married, married with no kids, married with lots of kids, divorced, widowed, etc I feel like we as the church body (and I am speaking to myself here too!) do a poor job of seeing people as people – with a heart, brain, feelings, etc.- that are more than just the sum of their relationships. We just see a label…..(and there are many more labels out there – I just picked on the some of the ones relating to martial status).

    Ok, I’ve gone on a tangent long enough….

  3. posted on Oct 15, 2013 at 9:16 AM  |  reply

    What would have encouraged me is what I’m coming to realise myself – that in this season we can still live out our dream, even if not to the extent we’d like. We may not be married, but we can still be a helper to people, cook for people, be an influence in children’s lives.

  4. posted on Oct 16, 2013 at 3:54 PM  |  reply

    As someone who is married and spent very little of my adult life single, thank you for sharing from your heart. It would never, ever be my intention to hurt anyone or make them feel alienated, but sometimes, it’s hard to see outside your own reality. I have a friend who can’t have children, and it’s made me very aware of how many times I would jokingly complain about my kids – when she desperately wished she could have one. I’m sure I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth with the single folks I encounter too. Thanks for opening my eyes and making me aware! 🙂

  5. posted on Oct 17, 2013 at 11:22 AM  |  reply

    Oh I so want to say all the right things to singles out there. But as of a year ago I am no longer one of you… and that changes things… sometimes singles feel it’s easy for me to say this and that.

    But I want to encourage and I want you to believe me… it can happen and for most of you it will happen. But for some reason God has you wait. It just doesn’t mean it is not going to happen. So many times, so many instances, so many weeks/months/years I just couldn’t believe it would happen for me. i was 39 and I just didn’t see it happen. But it did. God did it. And now… now it makes sense why God waited this long. My husband wasn’t ready for me, I probably wasn’t ready for him earlier either. And let me tell you something singles… once you meet your companion, you forget about the wait, you forget about the hurt. All of a sudden it was worth the wait, my husband was worth the wait. When you have longed and longed, once it comes, it is the most beautiful ‘thing’ ever. Last week we celebrated our one year anniversary and still everyday I am filled with gratefulness. I think I am more grateful for my husband than others just because he was a wait away. So continue your life, keep moving, keep hoping and keep hanging out with dear ones who believe with you and for you when you can’t anymore.

    And as far as what I would like to hear… I’d say married people need to hear from singles you need us. That life is hard alone and just ask to come sit at our table when you are not seen or you feel forgotten. Just remind us, give us responsibility. We lead a marriage group now and I do remind the married couples in our group that many around us are hurting because they do not have what we have. We need to reach out. But please remind those who have no clue.

    My heart goes out to you singles. I understand! But your life may get changed in a moment… God is good!! He loves you, He knows what He is doing, He IS faithful to your heart. I promise!!

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