Not real mad. Just that frustrating mad.
Yesterday at church the pastor talked about being risk-takers or risk-managers. I AM A MANAGER. I might possibly be the president of the Risk Management Society, though we would never actually meet because all traveling to the same place at the same time might be, well, risky.
I like to do things right. I’m not going to argue with someone in order to “BE RIGHT”. It’s not that I demand to be correct, it’s that I desperately don’t want to be wrong. To make the wrong choice. To risk and lose.[Which many of you are saying, “Do you remember that you just MOVED TO A FOREIGN CITY?” And to you, I say “yeah, I know….”]
I work on it. A lot. But somehow even “working on it” feeds that same place- that place of not wanting to make the wrong choice or the wrong move or say the wrong thing or go the wrong way. You know, your normal psychotic stuff.
It’s inherently part of my makeup. Trust me. Ask my dad who doesn’t sleep for an entire night. Ever. But I know- I KNOW- there is freedom from fear of mistakes. Freedom to risk AND be wrong. Freedom to let go. And I want it real bad.
I blame Brad for stirring all this up. I read 3/4 of his book yesterday, got mad, then finished it this morning, and my insides are asking more questions than my brain can answer. I want to understand more of God. More of my role in our relationship. More of my place and the right way. [And there it is again. “Right” way. I’ve got to quit that.] I know the Bible says that the road is narrow, but sometimes I treat it like a tightrope. It’s not. But I’ve got my safety harness on just in case.
Brad’s characters go from this world of rules and regulations to complete freedom. Freedom to be with God, in God, around God, near to God. He uses the ole Jesus method and tells a parable, which always helps me understand things better. [And makes me more uncomfortable because it makes sense and I can see how to apply it to my life.] In the story, Ivan, the main character, is discussing balance with the King, wondering how to do this new life correctly.
The King says,
“I never asked you to be balanced…. I asked you to be passionate. To be wholly mine, to love me. And passion is one of the most unbalanced forces in the universe. That’s why I love it. Many things just can’t get done within the prison of balance…. When balance and routine become too important, you begin to serve them instead of me. Without being rescued by passion, your love will eventually wither under the embalming staleness of duty.”
Well. Brad. Fine.
Honestly, I still don’t know how to do this correctly. But I know that my focus has to shift. I’m really glad I read it, even though it’s messed with my junk. His beautifully written book has opened my eyes and made me want to figure this out anew. And I’m gonna try. I don’t know how people who HATE risk are supposed to embrace it like it’s a good ole time, but I’m gonna try.
So no more tight rope for me. I’m actively seeking freedom to risk. I just want to love Him. And be loved by Him. And live.
Want your own copy of Finding Home? Order it here. It’s stupidly cheap. Brad. Seriously? It’s an awesome read- though be warned- I think I’m ruined.