The weather in Nashville is weird today- not exactly cold, but cool. Sporadically severely windy. And ugly, gloomy clouds are passing through the sky with no breaks of sunshine.

I’m kinda grateful for the weather because I too feel weird today. Do you know this feeling?

annie_frightened

I’m scared. I’m concerned. I’m nervous. I’m worried. I’m overwhelmed. I leave at 8am for three weeks in California, one of those weeks being Mt. Hermon Christian Writers Conference. Where I actually have a purpose and a goal and a budding career to think about. And a book. And an agent.

Last night, I sat with some friends that are farther along in their creative careers and asked them how to do this. How to balance humility and confidence. How to have dreams and goals without having unrealistic expectations [slash avoiding getting my heart broken]. How to separate my career from my person when they are so closely linked. How to make choices that put God first, not me.

Balancing all those things feels like this.

basketball

And I don’t think I have room in my luggage to pack all those basketballs. I’m already tired and I haven’t even zipped my suitcase.

One of my new favorite bands is The Alternate Routes, and they have a song called California that says “California, can you hear me now? Sing me a song that I can feel somehow.”

And I need California to sing to me today. I don’t want to leave Nashville. It makes me feel sad. There’s a lot going on in my world here, a lot of fears and insecurities about this trip that are swirling over my head like the clouds just outside the window. And I love my people here.

The sky just started raining big fat tears. I can’t see them, but I can hear them splashed into pieces against the window.

It soothes, for some reason. Writing it all out soothes. Having Betsy sit here beside me while we blog and watch TV makes it better. Knowing that this is part of the battle, part of working out my salvation, part of being a creative adult, it soothes. Having friends that let me sit on their couch and wrestle with this, in frustration and tears, soothes.

Tomorrow I’ll give you a laundry list of how you can pray for me while I’m in California because if there is one thing I ain’t ashamed to do, it’s to let you in the process and tell you how to pray. Cause I don’t know a lot of things, but I KNOW that I can’t do this thing on my own.

For now, I’m making a stop by Fido [to meet a friend who is definitely cool enough to be there] and then I’ll finish packing and spend time with my Nash-family who I won’t be with for the next few weeks.

The rain has stopped. But the soothing continues.