If you’ve never met me, you probably don’t know this, but I have chubby fingers. It’s definitely never been something I intended to blog about, but honestly, most things aren’t. When I look down at my hands, they aren’t grossly fat, and in fact, right now, they look rather normal. But the moment I try on someone else’s ring, I’m reminded. Because most people’s rings don’t fit my fingers.
They’re kinda cute, actually, in their own chubby-sausage like little way. It won’t hurt my feelings if you take a gander next time we’re together. Granted, I will probably notice, but I won’t be offended.
Don’t get me wrong- I don’t have man claws or anything. Just little sausage fingers. I’ll never exceed in piano but playing the guitar works out fine if I keep the chords simple and narrow.
For being a girl with short and chubby fingers, I sure do have a good grip. And I love to hang on to things. In fact, I’m anaconda like. Sometimes I’ll grab on and squeeze the life out of something, rather unintentionally.
I’m not referring to animals, don’t start sending the hate mail quite yet.
I’m thinking more about things like friendships, comfort, control, money. You know, the things that will never survive my grip and yet always make me feel like they are the keys to my security.
I was sitting at a really cool songwriters’ event last night, and I started thinking about my grip. And how when I get scared or uncomfortable, I start grabbing. I start reaching for ANYTHING, EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE that will make me feel comfortable again. I’m an unbiased grabber- if you’ll get within my reach, I’ll nab you.
I have this need, I think we all do, to feel like I’m not alone. To feel like because I’m holding tight to you, that must mean that you want to hold tight to me.
It usually doesn’t.
So “maybe” I “sometimes“ operate out of “a bit” of fear. Raise your hand if you hadn’t figured that out about me yet. No hands? That’s what I thought.
Last night, as Lanae Hale sang beautifully about packing her car and moving north, I started watching a movie in my mind. Impressive soundtrack, less impressive movie clips. I saw, especially recently, how I have heard the fear thoughts and acted on them. How I have been reaching around feverishly for something to hold on to and being terribly sad when my hands came back to me empty.
So as I sat there last night, and saw in my mind all these things and people and ideas that I am desperately trying to hold on to, I looked down at my hands. And hilariously enough, they were squeezed closed, white knuckles and all. I sorta just chuckled to myself, more out of nervousness than anything. Yikes. Apparently even THINKING about the fears make me physically grip too tight.
Then, as soon as the song was over, Lanae and Randall Goodgame talked about the same verse.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
A common scripture, to be sure. But welcome to the book that is LIVING AND ACTIVE, and means something new for your today everyday.
Because I heard God telling me to loosen my grip. To quit trying to grab what I thought I needed. To trust that if I’m doing what He says, He will meet all my needs and free up my hands. To please hold on to Him.
And I began to feel peace. I like the idea that I don’t have to hold on to anything else. My hands, to be honest, were getting tired. So was my heart.
I told God I wasn’t going to be scared. And that I don’t know what it looks like to loosen my grasp on all the things I want to hold, but if He would show me, I would do it. And that I also, by the way, didn’t really know how to hold on to Him for my security and safety. So if He didn’t mind, could He show me how to do that as well.
“Seems nothing I love will ever linger
Everything that’s good just slips away
I curse the space between my fingers
And pray Your love will somehow stay.”
– Tara Leigh Cobble, Somehow Stay